The Truth
by Karakot
Summary: rose lied. Set just after the day of the doctor (I think) it the episodes with the master.
1. Chapter 1 Martha

A.N. I don't own Dr. who how I wish I did. Other than that this story is mine the idea came from my head. Om for those of you who have already read this I'm reposting chapters 1 through five I've updated them. So it should generally be the same. Also anyone know how I get tabs inserted into this, cause I enter them when I type this up and try a second time when I past this over to the site but they never show.

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A hot shower and a change of clothing had made me feel more human but I was too wired to fall asleep, instead I headed to the library wearing something meant for lounging and not my night gown. Apparently I was more tired than I thought for I had quickly fallen asleep. The scream woke me. It resounded down the hall and seemed to fill the ship with pain. I was up and heading down the hall before my mind even fully registers the noise. At the hallway intersection I nearly miss slamming into Jack coming from his room as he runs full tilt to where the noise is coming from. I am surprised to see that Jack actually made it to bed and seemed to be startled, much like I am. I can't help but steal glances at his bare chiseled chest, muscular arms and well-defined back as he takes the lead and continues rushing down the hall.

I notice the wall seems darker than normal, like all of the colors were muted. I also hear an odd keening sound, a mix between a moan and a whimper. Hearing it I have flashbacks working at the pediatric ward. Children made such a similar sound when they were trying to be brave not show that it hurt. What confuses me was that there was a machine like quality to the sound almost as if it was coming from the ship itself. This ship was acting as if it was wounded, as if it was in pain. But it is just a ship, how can it feel pain? I will say that it is a rather odd machine but it is a machine all the same. How can it act like it is alive? We're at the door before I can finish that line of thought. It's one that continuously crops up in the back of my mind. That odd question that always seems to taboo to talk about.

I can't help but notice the door is covered in some kind of goo. But Jack is blocking the doorway before I can even comment on it or attempt to touch it. He pays no attention to the odd fluid on the door, his entire focus is centered on the fact that it's closed. With five or six steps back Jack runs at the door slamming his shoulder into it and it flings open. Jack rushes to the bed where the doctor is tossing and turning in the throes of some awful dream it seems. A detached part of me examines the door and I can't help but notice the goo feels like oil but looks like blood.

Jack's shouts for the Doc to wake up drag my attention back to the bed and its occupant. I begin to feel a stirring fear, the type I haven't felt since I was child. Since becoming a companion I had to face things that make the monster under the bed seem like the childhood demon I thought it was. You learn very quickly to hide your fears for you never know just who or what is going to use them against you. As a doctor, I had to face truly frightening things along with blood and gore. I thought I had mastered my fear a long time ago but I cannot explain then why I am standing frozen in the door way desperately trying not to make a sound. In the space of one heartbeat the next I go from grown adult to feeling like a six-year-old child again trying desperately to convince my parents that the monster is real. For some reason I am terrified that the monster on the bed (instead of under it) will notice me. I know that he is not, but right now, all of my instincts say that I am staring at the deadliest predator. The type that will have no trouble killing me before I can even try to run away.

The Doc sits straight up with a shriek and his fist slams into the side of Jack's jaw like a freight train. The blow is so sudden and jarring it throws Jack to the opposite wall and Jack's body crumples to the floor. The physician in me notes that the blow probably fractured Jack's jaw and loosened a few teeth. All the while the Doctor is breathing heavily, almost panting, like he had been running for his life. His eyes are wild and unfocused; he seems still caught in the grips of his nightmare. It was then I realized for the first time I am seeing the real him. It only takes him a minute to pull all of the masks in back in place, but in the time it does I see his true self. What I saw terrified me.

I knew almost from the very beginning that the Doc was someone who wore many masks to hide the true him. I can't help but love and hate him for that. I love him for trying to protect me from his true self and I hate him for not loving me enough to think that I could handle what he tries to hide. I am a doctor, I've seen all sorts of pain. I've worked in the neonatal drug unit seeing newborns suffering from withdrawals. I've worked in the ER and seen the results of both massive pileups and terrorist bombings. I've comforted parents weeping for their children, men and women weeping for their lovers, and even children just wanting someone to hold them. So I know I could handle what he was hiding, or at least I thought I could.

There are so many different masks, too many different versions of him to name. The one thing I found is that it can be broken down into a basic four. These will mix and mingle but there is always one of the four in the mix. Jack told me once that he never used to show so many emotions, that he was different before. But that was before...Her.

The first mask is that of The Explorer. All he wants to do show you is the next exciting thing. He is all laughter and fun. It's the type of man that can't sit still, who runs head first into danger just because he can. Jack has told me that he was never like this before. That the old Doc was serious and brooding, but he changed for Her. Now that she's gone he's back to the brooding but there's almost a suicidal need for danger added to the mix. I know that's because he's lost Her.

The next is the mask of The Solider. That mask is full of restrained furry and a hint of fear. Jack called that mask "The On Coming Storm" when I mentioned it to him. The few times that I have seen it that mask has scared me. I know that I am not Her; I know that I can't stop him like She could. I can't get him to give mercy, and I am not brave enough to stand between his rage and the thing that caused it.

To me The Lover comes next. This mask is so rare to see. His eyes soften and small joyful smile is formed on his lips. I catch a glimpse of it, a shadow of it, in his eyes before we go to leave anywhere. He turns to face me and for a moment I swear his arm twitches and he's going to take my hand, and then he realizes who I am. I have seen surprise in his eyes like he did not expect me to be there, like he was looking at someone else and I appeared. Unless we are running for our lives he never takes my hand, the hand hold was strictly reserved for Her. It is with this mask that I see a glimmer of the true man underneath. I hate this mask, and I hate that he will never wear it for me.

The last mask is Sorrow. Like that of The Lover this mask is rare. To see this mask is for him to admit that he is in pain, that he can even feel pain like we can. He does not like to admit that. In fact I have only seen him wear it three times. The first when he spoke of his home on new Earth. The second was only last night when The Master refused to heal himself. And the third was between the two when I caught him in a room that was feminine. He was lying on the bed curled around a pillow crying. I don't even think he knew I was awake and I know I wasn't supposed to see him like that. It is only through sheer persistence that I managed to find him in the first place. I never spoke of the room to him or of what I saw that night.

Once upon a time I was a naive enough to think that he should wear the masks he does. Now I know that he wears them to protect us from the monster underneath. He wears them and pretends to be human so that we humans are more comfortable. So that we don't fear the monster he keeps contained.

As I see him now sweating and his eyes unfocused, panting and still in the grips of his nightmare and fear, I finally know why he hides himself. I finally see just what he is and I can't help the thrill of lust that blossoms in my lower abdomen and the shiver of fear that runs up my spine. I have been fooling myself this whole time. I fooled myself into thinking that he was human, that he was just like any other bloke. I see now that unlike humans, Time Lords feel things more strongly...they feel emotions more deeply. He hides these emotions from us; to protect us from our own inadequacies. He feels them more strongly than we ever could and just for a second I pity him for with his two hearts he must feel twice the heart break.

It takes not but a moment for him to pull his masks back into place and a mix of sorrow and soldier shows up. He goes to Jack and helps him to his feet both of them in a silent understanding that I cannot understand and mumbles something about meeting in the kitchen. He asks me to make tea but I don't think I can after all every time I've tried usually something's wrong with it. His tone is bored and droll, like he doesn't even care what just happened as he walks to his bathroom like he didn't just destroy everything I thought I knew about him. It's in that moment that I realize that he is a bastard, and that I hate him as much as I love him.

Jack and I make our way to the kitchen. I take down 3 mugs from the cabinet for tea but before I could even start to do anything Jack stops me. Sitting at the table I watch as Jack goes through the familiar motions and yet somehow they are not familiar. A different blend tea is picked and honey, not sugar, is placed on the table. After an unknown amount of time the Doctor shows up his hair still wet from the shower he swipes a cup of tea...he takes a swallow and grimaces and puts it back down. Looks like Jack was no better at this tea thing that I am. A call comes in before he can even open his mouth to start an explanation, and all too soon instead of our talk we are gearing up to save the world.


	2. Chapter 2 Jack

A.N. I don't own anything but the little idea.

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At first I couldn't figure out why the TARDIS had woke me. The old girl literally threw me out of bed, but was too skittish to tell me why. It was a scream that answered the question of why. A scream brought back old memories of the last time I was on this ship. The old doctor got to the screaming stage only once before. She had been drugged at a bar, and had to sleep it off. The doctor woke me up screaming her name and I took a shot at the jaw during that one.

I met up with Martha in the hallway, with a look I tried to tell her to leave. She doesn't know it but she doesn't want to walk this path. She ignores the look I send her, her own fault then. She will soon learn just why I wanted her not to see this. The door to Doctors room was closed, probably locked but I don't even feel the door as I slam against it. The door easily buckles under the weight of my body and I rush over to the bad. I hate to have to wake him up like this but being gentle may do more harm than good at this point. With a deep breath I shake his shoulders and shout at him to wake up. I know how he will wake up, we are similar enough that when we are jolted we both wake up fists swinging trying to fight off the demons we see in our sleep. When it comes quicker than I expected I just try to roll with the punch, going boneless and letting the power behind it throw me from the bed. I just wish I could've woken him like She does…like she did.

She used to wake us up gently with soothing touches and quiet words in gently hummed lullabies. I remember should always combed through my hair with her fingers. She treated me like I was a child, but it wasn't condescending just motherly. I never woke up violently after that first night, the nightmares still came but she would soothe them. She wouldn't ask what was wrong instead she offered hot chocolate or tea and understanding ear. Many nights I would wind up crying into her shoulder. I never thought to question why she offered comfort during our bad nights. I was never even curious to wonder how she knew we were having the nightmare, let alone what we needed so we could forget it.

She may have been a mother with me but for him she was a lover and practically a wife. After the Doctor's first nightmare I asked the TARDIS to wake me before he got to that state ever again. It didn't even occur to me that Rose would do the same thing. So when three days later the TARDIS woke me, it was with some surprise I found the doc clutching Rose. He was holding her so tightly I knew she would have bruises. She said not one word of complaint just held him and when he started to wake she kissed him. The doctor held onto her like she was the only light in the darkness, like she was water in the desert. He held onto her like he loved her and she knew that he did so she let him. She let him lay down next to her as she wrapped her arms around him and placed his head on her chest. She gave him the rest he needed and listened to his half-asleep ramblings. She was there, she was solid, and she stayed. That's what he needed the most at night when those dreams started to creep in as they always do.

Coming out of my thoughts and daze of the punch I look around the room and see Martha clutching the door frame looking too terrified to move. I realize in that instant that this is the first time she's seen him like this, the first time she has ever seen him in the grips of a nightmare. I don't understand how that's possible because she has been with him for months. It took me a second to realize just what was going on. See, I knew that Time Lords could run on less sleep than a human, but he had to have slept sometime. If Martha had never seen him like this then how many times has he woken up during the throes of a nightmare? Just how many times has he not been able to wake himself and the TARDIS had to do it for him?

Looking at him now I can't help wonder how many times he got like this before Rose came. How many times did he wake up arching out of bed with a scream? I can't help but wonder just how bad he was when she got here. I know he wasn't this bad when I last saw him. When I left he hadn't had a bad nightmare in weeks. The last time he had a nightmare was two days before the game station. He had pulled himself together in a matter of seconds after he woke up. He just didn't let Rose know that though. He held her, for the simple pleasure of it. Just because he could. I can't help but be scared for I now realize it's been almost a full minute and he still is out of it.

He looked different than for a moment I couldn't place what had changed. And then it dawned on me his guard was down. His mental shields were completely gone which allowed everything he had been hiding to be fully seen in the light. I knew before Martha even told me that the Doc wears masks. He did the same thing back when I was a companion, but he wore them less around Rose. He let himself be seen by her truly and fully and everything he hides from everyone else he showed her. Even as I noticed this he pulls the shields back together. Replacing his inner masks and hiding everything that would scare us humans. With a deep breath he, (well he's not the old doctor) but he seems somewhat normal or as close to normal as he can get nowadays.

He offers me a hand up off the floor and I know no apologies needed nor am I sure I would expect him to offer one. I hear his absentmindedly mention something about meeting us for tea in the kitchen as he wanders over to an open door. I can only assume it's a shower based on the steam pouring out around the door frame. Looking at him now I know that I would give up my life just to give him Rose back. Truly seeing him now I realize how lost he is without her.

I attempt to make tea while we wait for him in the kitchen. I didn't know that he doesn't take his tea the same way anymore, the grimace on his face as he does take the swallow tells me that. He has a look about him, a look I've never seen before. Something just doesn't sit right with me...and then it hits me he's about to tell us everything. Everything we do or don't want to know. In that moment I know he needs a distraction, something, anything, to keep him from not saying whatever it is he's going to say. The ringing of a cell phone answers my prayers.

I manage to fumble for the phone and answer it before the caller on the other end gives up and stops trying to reach me. It's my team they're calling because they need my help. Some new type of alien, humanoid, just dropped into the middle of the base. With nary a word between the three us we're up and heading to the control room. I don't know how she did it, but I can't help but thank the TARDIS, this is the distraction I wanted.


	3. Chapter 3 Doctor

A.N. okay like normal I own nothing but this little thought bunny inside my head. Oh and if anyone can think of a good summary for me please feel free to let me know because I'm kind of confused on what I should put there.

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The first thing that registers in my mind is that my throat is sore, no raw, and it takes me a moment to figure out why. The whimpering of the TARDIS is what actually brings it all back to me. Rassalion, I haven't had a nightmare that bad in a long time. Well no, that's not true I haven't had that nightmare in a long time but it seems like every time I sleep all I have are nightmares now.

I knew that shutting my eyes was such a bad idea but I just needed to rest, for 5 minutes I just needed to close my eyes and rest. With Martha on board I tried to sleep as little as possible and what sleep I did get was 15 minutes here and there. The sleep was just long enough to relax my brain but never long enough to allow the nightmares to come. The few times I did sleep I usually had nightmares...nightmares like the one I had tonight. During that time when I awoke myself from literally screaming from these nightmares, I considered it a good night. A few times the TARDIS had a wake me up and that was never pretty.

The only good thing about being captured was that ability to catch up on my sleep. I had gone far too long with far too little real sleep before he captured me. The downside was The Master had me and he could see my dreams, the good ones and the bad. He taunted me with how he's killing Jack, with how he killed Sarah Jane and the plans he had for Martha. He never once questioned the claim, I knew he could feel it but he never questioned it. Not a word was said about the scar, the bite mark actually, or the ring on the chain I wear...a simple gold band. He knew when and what I dreamed about Rose but he showed me unexpected kindness when he did not talk to me about her and didn't ask me about her.

The second thing that registers next is pain. The pain is not the familiar feeling of heartbreak and loss, no this is more subtle and yet still somewhat familiar. It feels like a paper cut or a deep bruise. The pain is not strong enough to overwhelm the dull pain of heartbreak but it somehow lessens the pain I feel constantly. I can't help but use the pain as a crutch, pulling my jagged edges back together and throwing together some semblance of mental order. The TARDIS helps fill in the gaps in my mental shield, but she does remind me that she could only damn things for so long. My knuckles are throbbing in time with the beat of my two hearts and I need to know is how I acquired this new hurt. I look over to see Jack on the floor. I rise out of my bed and offer a hand to him. He doesn't ask for an apology from me nor do I offer one. For people like us it's not needed. Jack knows how it feels to be so terrified that your first reaction is to take the source of fear away from you and for the brief moment he was it.

I barely register Martha clutching the door frame and in my mind right now she's not important. I realize the room wasn't sound proof and that's how she heard me. The room should have been sound proof. I feel bad for waking her until I see her face...there is a mixture of lust, fear and something that resembles my own heartbreak in her eyes. I can't bring myself to care right now; I just don't have the energy.

The TARDIS, my sweetheart of a ship has a hot shower running for me; she is also trying to send comfort through our bond. Right now I don't want to feel it, all I want to feel is the pain of this loss. I know Jack is wondering about my nightmare, and he probably is right to be concerned. Since she was taken they've gotten worse and more frequent. With Rose gone I have no reason to be pulled out of them, without Rose being here I'm barely sleeping anymore.

I stumble into the bathroom and mention something about meeting them in the kitchen or at least I think that's what I said. I am just not sure, I just can't think straight. With both the bathroom and bedroom door closed firmly behind me I let my legs give out. Sitting on the floor back pressed firmly to the door I can't hold in my sobs any longer. Time is relative as I weep although I don't know if it is for my home, my people, the child I dreamed was ours or my mate. It feels like forever before I finally crawl over and into the shower. Somehow I pull myself together while standing under the hot water. Somehow I get wash and dress myself.

Some part of me felt like I owed them an explanation, like I should tell them everything. So much of me is rejecting the idea right now. Martha will not understand and will be sending me more looks of something akin to hate. Jack he won't offer me pity, but he will have this look of well I don't know how to explain it. Something in the look makes me feel pain. There are other secrets I'll want to tell if I talk about my nightmare. How much of a friend Jack is, and how much I need Martha to get through my day this is one secret to keep to myself. I'm old enough to admit that I need a hand to hold, I need someone to ground me. It's just she's not the someone I want.

I enter the kitchen to grab a cup of tea that has been set out. All it takes is one smell and I can't bring myself to drink the cup. It'll bring back too many memories of her and of nine. The others are watching me just waiting for me to say something and for a single moment I think I'm going to...I'm going to open my mouth and everything is going to spill out.

With the ringing of a phone that urge suddenly disappears. Somehow Jack's crew managed to get a hold of him. They need his help so with a start we're all up and running. It's time for us to go save the world.


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